Contests

For those of you that missed it, Despair, Inc. recently held their Demotivator® Caption Contest. See screen shot below...



They ended up with over 10,000 entries. My jewels of inspiration accounted for about 1 percent of those. I submitted ideas like...

FINANCIAL PLANNING: Some financial windfalls are unavoidable. Some may suck you dry and tear you to pieces.

FINANCIAL PLANNING: All the planning in the world for the road ahead will not help you weather this storm.

BUCKLE UP: Or not. It won't make much difference at this point.

REALITY: Tell whatever story you want, Dorothy. It won't change the fact that your house just blew away.

KANSAS: Our tourists get blown away.

From the thousands of entries they received, Despair.com selected their top 14 and allowed their newsletter subscribers to vote for their favorite. Alas, none of my gems was deemed worthy enough to make the final cut...

PERSEVERANCE: The courage to ignore the obvious wisdom of turning back.

PERSPECTIVE: It could be worse. You could be heading into a meeting.

ADVERSITY: If it really builds character, prepare for a buttload of moral strength.

HORROR: When the only thing between you and complete disaster is an American-made automobile.

RECRIMINATIONS: There are times when it is particularly unhelpful to be told that if you'd listened to her you wouldn't be in this mess.

OBSTACLES: There are many obstacles on the Road to Success. We only hear about the people who aren't killed by them.

CRISIS: Some problems will never be opportunities. Unless you happen to sell FEMA trailers.

OPTIMISM: Surviving a disaster and your own stupidity may lead to a book deal and a made-for-TV movie about you.

OVERCONFIDENCE: When "I think I can" crosses the line between self-motivation and self-destruction.

ADAPTABILITY: What can seem like a terrible natural disaster can actually be an opportunity to drive a flying car.

LUNACY: Rocks are stupid, but they can't get away from a tornado. So that means you are dumber than a rock.

PRIDE: Having the flesh stripped from your skin by 200 mph winds is a small price to pay for not having to ask for directions.

COURAGE: Those who respond courageously in the face of incredible odds will be remembered forever. In an obituary. As idiots.

OBSTACLES: Obstacles are just failures we haven't met yet.

The PERSEVERANCE entry ultimately won the hearts of the voters, and I'll submit that it was pretty clever. But I thought that at least one of my suggestions was witty enough to be included with the final picks (I especially liked my Dorothy piece). Don't you agree? Sigh........

Friends

Friends are important. They are there for you when you need someone to talk to. They support you in your hour of need. You share laughs and tears together. They understand your mistakes. They listen without judging or jumping to conclusions.

I wish I had more friends. I envy my wife who has done a tremendous job over the years of keeping in touch with her childhood and college friends. She has the uncanny ability to befriend almost anyone she comes in contact with, and forge strong bonds with every single one of them. She has a vast support system at her disposal whenever she needs it.

Me, not so much. I have a tendency to fall out of touch and let my relationships dwindle. My closest friend is my wife, which is not something that I regret, but sometimes a dude needs to talk to a dude. At the moment, I don't have a dude to talk to.

Anyway, right about now you are probably thinking this:

Laughter

Okay, sorry for depressing you with that last post. Today, I'll try to make up for it.

One thing that helps cheer me up when all else is lost is ridiculousness. I don't know for sure whether laughter is the best medicine, but for me, finding reasons to laugh when there's no reason to laugh is therapeutic. Stuff like Whose Line Is It Anyway has worked wonders in the past. This week, Rhett and Link have helped me laugh away my cares.

The same guys that created the commercial for The Red House furniture store have a slew of videos to choose from, and each one is a winner. Below are a few of my favorites.







Check these guys out at http://rhettandlink.com/.

Options, options, options

The question, "What do you do when you are out of options?" is flawed. The problem with that question is that it invites the responder to offer an option of something to do. But if you are truly out of options, then there is nothing to do, is there? Because you have no options.

Lately, I have been asking myself the same flawed question. Why, you may ask? I would rather not bore you with any details. Suffice it to say that I am at an incredibly frustrating phase where it seems that I have lost the ability to change certain facets of my life.

Of course, the idea that I have absolutely no options about anything is absurd. This morning, I chose to eat some cereal and a banana. Earlier this week, I chose to submit eleven entries to Despair.com's Demotivator® Caption Contest. But I am not talking about being able to make trivial choices - although, submitting the winning caption for $500 would not be so trivial - I refer more to having options of consequence.

Wise Seth Sorenson, from Brandon Mull's Fablehaven series, said it best when he muttered, "I hate how my past actions keep messing up my future options." Right now, I feel like my options are kind of messed up, and I am trying to improve them. As I write that, I can't help but hear Yoda in my head saying, "Do, or do not. There is no try." Fine, Yoda. I'm not trying. I am making an effort. But I don't know if I'm actually improving anything, yet.

I find J.K. Rowling's story inspiring. She was in a pretty dire situation, as a single mom eeking by, when Harry Potter popped into her head. Bella and Edward appeared to Stephenie Meyer in a dream. I start to wonder if I can conjure up some literary magic of my own that would help improve my present situation.

Then I see stuff like the picture below, and realize that I probably don't have it in me. Reality sinks back in. I have no options.

2yMfsI58n8CK.er9vyllmAuGM04WVI0-

I was hoping that this blog would attract followers, but I was also hoping to know who those followers are. At least their names.

I know for a fact that 2yMfsI58n8CK.er9vyllmAuGM04WVI0- is not a real name. I googled it, and it does not match any documents.

Am I being stalked already? 2yMfsI58n8CK.er9vyllmAuGM04WVI0-, could you please tell me what your real name is? You're making me nervous. I don't want to block you, but I might if I have to...

Furniture stores and convicts

There are two items I wanted to bring to your attention. The first item is a fabulous commercial made by a couple of Youtube comedians for a furniture store in High Point, NC (the furniture capital of the world). It's been posted on a lot of places, so there is a fair chance that you've already seen this, and if that's the case, I apologize for not offering you something new. But if you have not seen this before, I'm happy to be the one to show it to you first.



What can really be said about that? It speaks for itself. It's brilliant. Nothing like a North Carolina furniture store to promote racial equality and bring people together in harmony. Search for this video in Youtube to read a full description from the creators, Rhett and Link.

The second item deals with a 40-year old Cincinnati man that has been arrested 101 times, with his 102nd pending. Click on his face for the full story.

This guy has been in and out of prison for the past 21 years, arrested for just about everything from robbery, to domestic violence, to misusing credit cards.

I guess it just goes to show that some people learn their lessons, while others don't. I mean, after all these years, you think this guy would have figured out how to not get caught.

Timothy Akers, this Demotivator® is for you:

Change for the road ahead: green cars, or else…

When deciding on a theme for this blog, my aim was to provide myself an outlet to communicate my incredibly unique perspective on current events, as well as some of the on-goings in my personal life. I wanted to let the whole world see the subtle ironies that occur in life, as only I can perceive them, so we can all share in what I laugh at.

I did not intend for this to necessarily become a forum for political commentary. My punditry qualifications are lacking to say the least, and in the past I have suffered severe familial backlash for publicly sharing my opinions about the current presidential administration.

All that being said, I still feel that my thought process is, for the most part, sensible, so I proceed to opine on one of today’s headlining stories:

Obama gets tough on fuel economy

President Obama announced today new fuel economy rules that will require automakers to improve the fuel efficiency of the cars and trucks they produce. By 2016, new cars will be expected to average 39 mpg, while new trucks will need to get 30 mpg. Sounds great. Who doesn’t want a more fuel efficient car? You save on gas money, while being kinder to the ozone layer.

My problem with this situation is not about creating better cars. My problem is in the legislation of it. If the public wants a certain type of car, let the public demand it, and then let the carmakers respond to the demand. Legislation in my opinion seems to impede innovation. Without the hindrance of unions and federal regulations, I wonder how Detroit might be faring today…

And yet, the article points out that these new rules “have already gained support from major automakers.” I’m usually not one for conspiracy theories, but I am suspicious about the kind of pressure that resulted in this professed support. Would the President have been making this announcement today without the automakers’ support? Probably not. Auto manufacturers often fight this type of federal regulation in court, so how is that they are so happily on board with this plan?

Could it be fear? Perhaps. General Motors’ impending bankruptcy last year was unfortunate. More unfortunate is the power that the government gained over that company, as well as the car industry as a whole, as a result of bailing them out. The White House demonstrated this power by ousting GM CEO Rick Wagoner this past March when he didn’t agree with the government-proposed restructuring plan. Could the other major automakers be feeling a little intimidated by what could happen if they don’t go along with these new rules? While federal lawmakers do not currently have the same kind of direct hold on all car companies as with GM, I think they are nonetheless exercising a very unhealthy influence over the entire auto industry.

So what’s to become of us? Is a nationalized auto industry in our not-too-distant future? How soon before they get health care? Are we truly becoming a Marxist state? AAAHHHHHH!!!!!

Look, I don’t know. For now, to be honest, I think today’s announcement of the new green car rules ultimately amounts to the following: In the years to come, some people might end up buying more fuel efficient cars. And in turn, the polar ice caps could take a little longer to flood California. But at what cost, I ask you??!!!!

Today’s thought is brought to you by the following Demotivator®:

I am blogging

Here we go. My very first post on my very own blog. Finally, after years of following my wife and friends on their blogs, I decided that it's about time to create my own blog for others to follow. Why has it taken me so long to catch on to this oh-so-popular pastime? Perhaps, in the past I haven't felt that there' s enough on my mind that's interesting or blog-worthy. But that is all about to change. I'm a lot more interesting now.

That, and I could use an extra revenue stream. My goal is to provide you with posts that are interesting and witty enough so that you won't mind the Google Ads lingering on this site. In fact, I hope that you embrace them. Support them. Click on them. Supporting those advertisers supports me and my wife and four kids.

One advertiser in particular that I plan to involve and promote with this blog is Despair, Inc. They are absolutely one of my favorite companies and in my opinion get much less attention than they deserve. I hope for the world to appreciate them as much I do. Those guys are just geniuses. As I write this post, I am anxiously awaiting them to approve me as an affiliate, which will allow me to receive commissions for the purchases my readers make on their site. I really hope they approve me. It will make me happy to help spread the despair love around, and much happier if I also get a piece of the action.

So spread the word. This is going to be one awesome blog. Come back soon.